A different format this week. Why? Because the Editor's household has been blessed with the arrival of the new puppy, Lola, who has to be deterred from chewing the whole house down, 24/7, causing stress, frustration and cumulative sleep deficit. Whose idea was this? Certainly not Roxie the Dog's, who has welcomed the newcomer with all the maternal warmth of Dr Mengele.
So, any attempts at original writing would be rapidly dispatched to the Facebook automatic translation service, only to emerge as something like Sanskrit with a Black Country inflection. If you haven't tried this facility, you should. It is not computer-generated as you might imagine, they simply send it to a commune of warmed-over hippies from the sixties with extensive neural damage from 50 years of dropping acid tabs on a daily basis: the product is colourful and imaginative but more opaque than the original.
Why Heinz sex? Because it manifests itself in at least 57 varieties, and yet a year of The Items has scarcely ever mentioned sex, and it is improper that we have not tackled it head-on, as it were. It is after all the adolescent's holy grail, the tabloid's fixation and many people's favourite hobby.
So there you are: a patchwork quilt of recycled writing on human sexual behaviour that you may not wish your children or servants to read.
To begin with, a piece from Facebook written before President Trump terrified the children of the world by threatening to grab their kittens.....