A whistle-blower writes:
The published biographies of Theresa May are largely fictitious, her early life fabricated to appear to be the perfect background for a British Prime Minister. Daughter of a clergyman, good schools, University, happy marriage.......if only. Too good to be true. The Items has been given access to material which reveals a shocking truth which, we believe, should be laid before the general public prior to the upcoming General Election. So sensitive is this that the Editor will already be in a secure place of safety before this edition is published and will be obliged to maintain 'radio silence' if he is to avoid the wrath of the Establishment.
The truth is simple and devastating: Theresa May is not the person we imagine, or who offers herself for election. She is the child of an illicit union of two celebrities, hitherto not associated with her in the public mind. M'learned friends have advised us that while revealing their identities would be a virtual suicide note, embedding them in a list of others would not. And so, in this edition we print a number of photographs of candidate couples, one of whom is said to be of her parents.
But it is not the circumstances of her birth which is important, nor her famous or infamous antecedents. This is merely where the deception starts. Accounts of her life after University have a mysterious gap, an unexplained lacuna in her CV of three years' apparent inactivity: an unwanted pregnancy, an unfortunate association with some disreputable organisation, or something more sensitive? We can reveal that having studied History, Politics and Russian at Oxford, Theresa May spent three years in Moscow for MI6, under the cover of perfecting her grasp of the Russian language. There she was 'turned' by the KGB and became a Soviet agent. Born 'Janet Smith', she chose the name Theresa Xavier (Theresa X for short), but her Russian minders changed it to 'May': less flamboyant, not to be confused with Malcolm X or X-Files or X-Factor, and honouring the 1917 Revolution. Subsequently she became a double agent, betraying both sides and enriching herself with a fortune now accumulating in a tax haven. Ultimately she undertook one final mission for the Soviet Union which additionally satisfied her own vainglorious ambition: she was charged with the task of returning to the UK and working her way to the very top of the Conservative party: to introduce a government régime so reactionary and extreme that it was bound to provoke the British people to violent revolution, introducing a socialist state. So far, so good.......
It has to be said that Theresa May is a good politician - in the worst sense of the word. She is adept: she knows when to grab the limelight, and when to pixelate into the background. She was nowhere to be seen during the referendum campaign, under the radar: although allegedly a Remainer, she emerged from the shadows to grab the Brexit bouquet from Cameron as he tossed it away, hurriedly, before the shit hit the fan.
But it is her capacity for deception on a wider scale that marks her out. She carries little hard-and-fast ideological baggage, is light on her feet and jumps on the political bandwagon as it accelerates away, in whatever direction the public appears to want. Her post-Election speech outside Downing Street was generous, inclusive, liberal, inspirational and totally insincere. She has none of those ambitions for the UK, she is as committed to those principles as an actor reading a script. Words are her Weapons of Mass Deception. And when those words fail to convince, or mislead, she simply changes them. I do not remember any instance in the last 50 years of British politics when a party leader has done a U-turn on a major manifesto policy days before an election, just because the polls prompted panic. Worse than that is her willingness to seem to adopt previously-reviled policies, which Labour has espoused for decades, draping herself in their virtue, when there is no evidence that she ever has, or ever will have, any intention of implementing them:
(from Facebook last week)
In 1965 I heard Paul Simon sing in Bunjies, a basement folk club off the Charing Cross Road. He was strikingly small (5'1") but with a huge talent, and yet to reach a wide audience. After singing the haunting "Sounds of Silence", from his debut album, he sang "April, come she will", a short, simple song which beautifully tracks the rise and fall of a relationship over one Summer. It also contains a chilling political prediction, which foretells a current crisis here, now, 52 years later. The first line, also the title of the song, is 'April, come she will'. His new relationship arrives, full of promise: Spring and love are in the air:
'April, come she will,
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain'
So far, so poetic, but then he delivers the killer blow, the icycle through the heart, from behind, assailed from the shadows: the uncanny, unexpected insight, and the nightmare:
'May, she will stay.... ' Who knew? How did he know? In those days the Prime Minister was male, had a pipe, bad teeth, a labrador called Paddy and a wife whose Poetry was worse than Pam Ayres. How could Simon imagine, five decades on, that a second authoritarian schoolma'am would rule the UK: with the steely resolve, the leopard shoes, the duplicity of the Downing Street speech, the Thatcheresque cruelty, the iron fist in the velvet glove, onesie and trouser suit. The cuddly chat on 'The One Show' with the the nerdy husband, who takes the bins out, just like us. And an approval rating which communicates one thing with crystal clarity: 'we' are fooled, and barring a miracle of biblical proportions, she will stay.
Education is paraded as the panacea for all problems. What use is an education system which has produced such an abysmal level of political awareness in its constituency that it shoots itself in the foot over Brexit (at the whim of a buffoon, a chancer and a Saloon Bar raconteur - and media bias which would not have disgraced Joseph Goebbels), but compounds the error by shooting itself in the other one in the upcoming Election. It looks as though the nation will probably reject a good man with a philosophy of equality and fairness (but whose face doesn't fit) in favour of a 5 year blank cheque to the strict Headmistress, Theresa May: here is your rod, now beat us. As was said of Michael Howard (approximately), 'there's something of the darkness about (her)'. She is Teflon Woman: she rose without trace, no scandal or ideological forensics attaching to her, waited in the wings and grabbed the leading role by deception and manoeuvre, but no electoral mandate; and is so manipulative and desperate for power and influence that she actually let Trump hold her hand for the cameras. Yuk. Enough said.
The fourth line of the song just make it worse:
"May she will stay,
Resting in my arms again" That's a truly revolting idea. Please tell me it's a metaphor.
Evidently many people don't feel about her the way I do. They like her, even love her. But we can comfort ourselves with the last two lines of the song:
'September, I remember
A love once new has now grown old...'
How could the public love for Theresa go cold? Brexit negotiations break down? Sterling crisis as UK realises it has fallen between two stools?
Bring it on...!
Can you tell the difference between May and Thatcher? Thatcher was out front and proud of her evil,
May does it by stealth.
Still, let's be positive: May's reign is a nanosecond in the context of the history of humanity, let alone the planet. Remind of yourself of this with one of the most remarkable and inventive videos ever:
(mind the gap - don't switch off when the screen goes blank)